I’m finally beginning to feel better. Which is feeling like a relief. Relief that feels like a warm blanket wrapped around my back on a raw January evening. I’ve been stuck in a funk lately, the past two days...ok…the past two weeks maybe. Trying to fight through negative feelings possibly from confrontations and experiences…that honestly could be worse, but they come with feelings of uneasiness and anxiety that I just can’t shake. I’m on the verge of wanting to vent these contained feelings with a large roaring scream, which would clear the throat channel enough to hopefully feel like I may flow my breath freely again. Maybe the screaming would release the feeling of my heart being stuck in an achy pull into my stomach. However, this time I don’t scream. I probably should have, and I have before, and it feels good; but I didn’t this time. I talked to my feelings instead. I let them stay. They came uninvited, put a block on my writing, halted all my creativity and the effortless flow of my yoga practice. They stopped me from laughing with my daughter, enjoying bliss from my morning meditation, and kept me in isolation, silence, and stillness at times. Which turns out, is what I needed. Room to breathe. Space to understand why they showed up and what they had to teach me. Maybe it was summer coming to an end, hormones, or aggravations from unplanned situations not under my control. Whatever it was, I needed space to let the feelings visit, to breath with them, sit with them, talk to them, ask them why they were there, let them stay a bit, and then let them go. I didn’t get fixated on them…I know better…that only makes it worse. I love that saying…” Nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to know”. Plus, having certain feelings and angst about your feelings just creates more unwanted feelings. Blahhhh. Let’s replay how awful we feel, so we can feel more awful. Nah, I know to just let the feelings be in me. They will pass. So, this is where I’m at today, and where those funky feelings took me and what I discovered about myself drenched in my own negativity. I’m still learning. That’s ok. I’m still figuring out how to sort through feelings and growing every step of the way, and probably always will be. That’s ok too. I don’t need to fully analyze why I was in a rut. Sometimes, as humans, things just don’t flow effortlessly with smiles and giggles. That’s completely ok! There was a much longer streak of days filled with happiness and positivity before this bout of dreariness, and I feel ever so grateful and appreciative for the easefulness of the life I’m blessed with. There is an abundance of gifts in my life so many people don’t get to experience. The days of feeling stuck are reminders that I’ve seen, felt, and have been touched by better days and the beauty of life. Hopefully, with many more to come. Jeez…it could be way worse…way worse, and I am so grateful it wasn’t. Sometimes these feelings hit us hard with pumping heartbeats, cold sweats, and tears…and it’s not the best way to feel, but it could be worse right? Notice these feelings as just feelings. They will eventually be on their way. Try to see stillness underneath the mental noise, where freedom is waiting. When your heart is ready it will let them go gracefully, and you will shift those feelings into something profound, healing, and amazing. When it is dark enough you can see stars. And just like the majestic sun, you can still shine behind the darkest clouds. Wait it out. It will pass. Feelings are just visitors passing through moments to show us the sunlight, and to teach us what we may have forgotten.
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